Romance amid Reality
This column first appeared February 14, 2003.
This Valentine’s Day many of us were plagued with questions in the romance department. Will he send flowers? Will she say yes? My question was a bit different: why can’t he ever bang up his car?
I would feel significantly better about myself if just every now and then he would back into a tree, or rear end the car in front of him, or hit a fire hydrant. You see, I’ve done those things (I’ve actually hit a fire hydrant twice), and I don’t see why I should be the only one.
The latest accident happened a few weeks ago when the roads were really icy. I was only going about 20 km/h when the truck ahead of me stopped. I had plenty of room, but I hit an icy patch and just couldn’t get the brakes to respond. My bumper hit his trailer hitch. Guess who won?
There weren’t any other scratches on either vehicle, and the other driver suggested I use duct tape to repair the baseball sized hole I was now sporting. In retrospect, I can’t see anything I could have done differently. It was just one of those things. But here’s my dilemma. If it truly wasn’t my fault, then why aren’t all our accidents divided equally between the two of us? Why is it only ever me?
Of course, Keith did the proper husband thing and said, "all that matters is that no one was hurt." And he treated me perfectly well all day long. Which of course made me suspect that he was harbouring some horrid thought like "why can’t she just learn to drive?". And for the next few days, no matter what he said to me, I snapped. He must be thinking I’m incompetent. And I must punish him for it.
The biggest barrier to romance, in my opinion, isn’t necessarily the failure to remember flowers on Valentine’s Day (though chocolate couldn’t have hurt). It’s this tendency to build walls of suspicion between us because basically we’re all insecure. We know what we hate about ourselves, and one of our worst fears is that those we love will notice these flaws, too.
Men and women experience this differently. John Gray, author of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, posits that men read guilt trips into everything. "Come to the table! Dinner’s ready!", for instance, means "why couldn’t you get off that couch earlier and help me make it?". Women, on the other hand, nurse this suspicion that deep inside our men may know we’re less than perfect.
Since I can speak to the female side of that equation better, here’s a primer for men. If she asks you if you think she’s gaining weight, the answer is always "no". If she asks if you think she’s becoming boring because the kids have taken over her life, the answer isn’t just no. It’s no plus a reassuring hug, and an effort to change the next dirty diaper. And if she ever asks you if you would find her more exciting if she looked more like Claudia Schieffer, the correct answer is "Claudia who?". These things go to the heart of her self-esteem, and it’s very important to get them right.
We women need to remember the other side of the coin. When he says, "Wow, that’s quite a hole in the bumper," take him at his word. He may not mean "It’s a wonder they ever gave you a license in the first place." That may simply be the voice in your head working overtime. Likewise, if he says, "Wow, this place is a mess," put down that frying pan. He may not be blaming you. He may just be commenting on the need to teach all residents of this house who are over the age of six to stop living like pigs.
Sometimes men need to read between the lines a little bit more to hear what she’s really saying. And sometimes women need to stop reading between the lines and just read his lips. Kissing them is probably a good idea, too. And, of course, so are chocolate truffles. That’s what made my Valentine’s Day, and I hope you all had a fun day, too.
You can read more of Sheila's humorous columns in Reality Check.
