How to Use This Study:
Are you ready to have your eyes and hearts opened to a whole new way of looking at sex? Can you believe that the Bible actually gives very practical advice that will enhance your sex life with your husband? That’s what we’re about to discover together!
This is an 8-week study that works well either individually or in groups. To do it, each person will need a copy of Honey, I Don’t Have a Headache Tonight, which deals with practical issues in the bedroom department of a Christian marriage (email me here to ask about bulk discounts). As a church, we’ve had a hard time talking openly about sex and providing some real, godly solutions to some of the most intimate problems couples face. I hope to start breaking the silence and equipping us with the tools God gives to bring great joy and intimacy into our lives.
You should know that this study follows the themes of each chapter, rather than the actual text. In the book, I talk about the Christian principles, with lots of Scriptural reference, to key issues in our sexuality. This study is meant to take you deeper, and to show you that this material isn’t something I’ve made up, but comes from the Bible. Best of all, you can look it all up for yourself and draw your own conclusions.
I encourage you to use a notebook and write down your thoughts and write out specific prayers at the end of each study, in order to preserve what God is specifically telling you. If you’re leading a group study—AND THIS IS REALLY IMPORTANT—give people time to write silently at the end of each study, answering the "for personal reflection" questions. Sometimes when we women get together, we rush through the study so we can talk, have some snacks, or relax before having to pick up our kids. Resist that temptation, and take five minutes alone just to write things down in silence. That’s probably the most helpful five minutes you’ll spend all week, when you let God speak right to your heart.
There is no homework involved in this study, and the leader doesn’t have to prepare very much beforehand, though reading through the Scriptures wouldn’t hurt. There aren’t a lot of questions, because the purpose is to stimulate discussion, not just look up answers. Remember that you shouldn’t feel pressured to share anything too personal, but even talking about the themes and getting things out in the open may help a lot of women accept their God-given sexual drives a little more easily.
One last thing—the book has 9 chapters. The study has only 8. That’s because the ninth chapter in the book is more of a potpourri of practical solutions to practical problems, and so doesn’t lend itself to a study. Once you’ve done the 8 chapters, you can read chapter 9 on your own. And please do—it’s one of the more fun chapters!
You can either print out this whole screen (it will be long), or scroll down to the bottom of the page and click on the links at the bottom of the page to print it out chapter by chapter.
Here we go!
Chapter 1
Opening Discussion Questions:
In what ways are men and women different? Did anything really take you by surprise after the wedding?
Study Questions:
1. The book Song of Solomon—sometimes called Song of Songs—is basically love poetry, and graphic love poetry at that. Look at the different things the Beloved (Solomon) and the Shulammite (a really beautiful woman) praise about each other. List them and then talk about what they represent:
What does she like about him in these verses:
1:2, 1:3, 1:13,14; 1:17; 2:3; 2:6; 2:8,9; 4:16; 7:9b, 10
What does he like about her in these verses:
1:9,10; 1:15; 4:1-5; 4:11-15; 7:1-9a
He tends to praise specific things about how she looks. She often praises things slightly differently. How?
2. Why did God create us differently like this? Discuss why these differences may work to our benefit (see page 30 for more ideas).
3. What pitfalls do these differences bring into a marriage? Read Proverbs 30:18.19. Why is the way of a man with a maiden so hard to understand? What does it have in common with the other three things? (hint: can you make out tracks?).
4. Let’s look at a famous Bible story that shows what happens when the two do not understand each other’s perspective on sex. Read Genesis 16:1-6. Do you think Sarai wanted Abram to heed her request? Why or why not? Why was Abram so ready to do it? Did he see it as impacting their marriage (see verse 6, and his allegiance with Sarai). Yet how did Sarai see it affecting them (see verse 5). and how did Hagar see it (verse 4)? Why?
5. Probably none of us are in danger of asking our husbands to use a surrogate mother! But our marriages may still be in trouble if we see our husbands breaking intimacy. In what ways might this happen? How can we contribute to such a break, as Sarai did in this case?
6. When we don’t value intimacy and understand how each sex approaches love, we’re going to end up alone, and maybe even bitter. What principles need to guide us as we try to resolve these issues? Here’s some advice that Paul gives on how we are to relate to each other than applies especially well to marriage. Philippians 2:4 says: "Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others". How should that affect our attitudes in dealing with this issue? Why can this be so hard in the sexual area of our marriages?
Chapter 2:
Opening Discussion Questions:
1. When you were thinking about getting married, what did you think it would be like? What were you hoping for?
2. On page 35, Sheila cites a study that found that sexual problems contribute significantly to dissatisfaction within the marriage. Why do you think this is?
3. How do you think happiness has hijacked marriage (see pages 36 and 37)?
Study Questions:
1. Read 1 Corinthians 7:4. Can you see how marriage does keep people from sin? How do you feel about the opportunity to help keep your husband pure? What caveats would you put on this?
2. Look up Jesus’ words in Matthew 6:33. What are the "all things" that Jesus is talking about? (Read verses 25-32 for the context). What do you need most in your life today? To whom are you looking for it—your husband, God, your children, elsewhere? What should we seek first instead? What impact do you think this would have on expectations in marriage?
3. The direction of this talk may now be getting your backs up. Do you feel like this line of thinking is "letting him off the hook"? Talk (or journal) about why we women may feel threatened by that and how we fear that will affect our marriages.
Now read 2 Samuel 1:26. I’ve often wondered if the reason David felt Jonathan’s intimate friendship love was "better than that of women" was because he didn’t have that kind of intimate friendship and love with women. He had never experienced real marital intimacy. Can we make that a priority for our own marriages? Are we willing to do what it takes, to take the first step, to reach out and make a better sexual life in our marriages?.
For Personal Reflection:
Has your marriage brought you closer to God or further away from Him? Do you rely on Him more today, or less than you did before (assuming you were a Christian before you were married). How can you be sure that you grow towards God today, rather than further away from Him? Ask God to identify one or two specific areas that you are to surrender to Him, rather than look to your husband to meet that need.
Chapter 3
Opening Discussion Questions:
One of the most basic reasons we women may not want sex is because we’re too tired! What are some reasons that we don’t prioritize rest? What do we tend to do instead of resting? Which of these things are necessary? Which are not?
Study Questions:
1. Look at these incidents in Mark where Jesus took time away (or at least tried to). For each one: what preceded Jesus needing time away? What was he doing during that time (ie. resting, praying, regrouping, etc.). What was the result? Here they are: Mark 1:12,13; 1:35-39; 3:13; 4:38; 6:30-33; 6:46; 7:24; 9:1-13; 14:32-42.
2. A wonderfully rich story in the Bible about burnout is found in 1 Kings about Elijah. The prophet had just been the instrument for one of the greatest acts of power in the Bible, when God rained down fire on the soaking wet altar to prove to all of Israel and to the evil king and priests that God was real. Then immediately after this act of power, what did Elijah do? He ran away, depressed and scared. Read 1 Kings 19:1-18. What led to Elijah feeling burned out? What steps did God take to deal concretely with Elijah’s needs? What do you think is the significance of God showing Elijah, after all that God had done, that God was not in the earthquake or fire, but in the whisper? What can we do to hear God in the whisper?
3. Many times our exhaustion is not just physical, it’s emotional. There are specific people who sap our energy, just as Ahab and Jezebel sapped Elijah’s. Who in your life plays that role? Read the following verses in Proverbs to see how other people can impact our emotional health in a whole variety of ways: Proverbs 11:9; 11:13; Proverbs 10:17, 19; Proverbs 10:26; Proverbs 17:1; Proverbs 25:17; Proverbs 25:20; Proverbs 26:24-26; Proverbs 26:28. And to some it all up: how are we to react to all of these threats on our emotional health? Read Proverbs 27:12.
4. In this chapter I talk at length about how taking relatively simple steps to organize your life can help you preserve energy and feel a breath of fresh air in your life. Read that famous passage in Proverbs 31:10-31—and don’t worry, I’m not going to ask you to do all of these things! How does this woman manage to get everything done? What steps would she need to take in her household to manage this kind of schedule? What does Proverbs 24:27 say? What does this verse try to get at?
5. What does Proverbs 10:5 say about the role children can and should play in running our homes? Why is it often so difficult to get them to help?
6. We women are multi-taskers: we can make dinner, talk on the phone, supervise homework and throw in a load of laundry all at the same time. How does this propensity to multi-task affect our concentration during sex? Read Ecclesiastes 3:1-8. Can we decide that there is a time to embrace, and a time to love, and that that is not the time to compose a mental shopping list, plan a birthday party, or visualize your next day’s schedule? How can you reduce the likelihood that these things will cross your mind at the most inopportune time?
For Personal Reflection:
Ask God to reveal what one or two things you can cut out of your schedule to give you more rest. Ask Him to give you insight into how to avoid the emotional exhaustion that other people can cause. Write down the warning signs He’s revealing to you about areas where you’re either doing too much, or allowing others to drain your energy.
Chapter 4
Opening Discussion Questions:
What are some of the lies that our culture believes about sex? Have you seen any popular movies lately that show sex in the wrong light? What do women’s magazines teach about sex?
Now, what are some of the lies that Christians often believe about sex?
Study Questions:
1. Read the Scripture passages at the end of the chapter that are found on pages 77-79. What strikes you about them? Do any of them surprise you? Make you feel uncomfortable? Do you have trouble saying some of them out loud?
2. Some of us feel ashamed of our sexuality. Read Song of Solomon 2:3-7. How does the Shulammite feel about hers? Can you believe that this is good and righteous and makes God happy?
3. One really sad story found in Scripture illustrates the difference between lust and love, and how the former can be very destructive. Read 2 Samuel 13:1-20. Amnon is an example of someone who let a distorted view of sexuality ruin his life. Read the outcome in verse 15. Why did Amnon hate Tamar? How might these distorted feelings about love and sex, even those stemming from pre-marital encounters, affect us even in our marriages today?
4. How might abuse in the past affect our present responsiveness sexually? Read Tamar’s response to her abuse in verses 19 and 20. How might this mirror how sexual abuse survivors feel?
5. In the New Testament, we see an incident of a woman—whom tradition says is Mary Magdalene—anointing Jesus with oil. She had been a prostitute. We know she was also abused verbally, and probably physically as well. Read Mark 14:3-8. How did she find wholeness again?
6. Read Romans 12:1,2. How are we to fight the tendency to see sex in a negative light?
7. Read 1 Corinthians 5:17, and if you can, commit it to memory. What does this offer those of us who have pasts that we would just as soon forget?
For Personal Reflection:
Ask God to reveal where you may have distorted views of sex. Do you have past issues of pre-marital sex or abuse that are affecting you today? Write out your prayers for God to wipe your slate clean. Tell Him what you want Him to help you deal with. Then ask God to direct you specifically o someone who can pray with you and help you.
Chapter 5
Opening Discussion Questions:
Study Questions:
1. Why do women, and especially homemakers, have difficulty seeing themselves as important? Yet what does God say about us? Read Psalm 139:13-16. What does it mean to you that all your days—all of them!—were ordained before the creation of the world? Do you feel that your life, even if it’s not outwardly important, is precious and planned by God?
2. Read Ephesians 2:10. What good works has God ordained for you in your life today? Do you have a vision for your own life? In Proverbs 29:18, one version says "without vision a people perish". How would having a clear vision from God for your life impact your own self-esteem? Talk about the visions and callings some of you feel from God.
3. Go back to Proverbs 31:10-31, and look at all the different things this woman is involved in. Do you think she was an interesting person? What motivated her to become involved in all of these different things? Are you interested in a variety of things? Are you excited about life? Talk about how women can become more involved in key things and improve our emotional outlook without draining ourselves. Can you give some examples in your own group (learning to knit, starting a garden, investment planning, volunteering in a political campaign?).
4. Jealousy can ruin one’s self-respect—if it’s misplaced jealousy. Sometimes, of course, jealousy is very legitimate and even God-ordained. After all, God describes Himself as a jealous God for Israel whenever Israel strayed. But being jealous without provocation can sow poison into a marriage. Talk about how to distinguish between legitimate jealousy and unwarranted jealousy. Now let’s look at how to prevent unwarranted jealousy in our marriages. In Job 1:10, Satan accuses God of putting a hedge of protection around Job. What are some ways that we can put hedges of protection around our marriages that reduce jealousy and increase trust and love?
5. Let’s turn to how our husbands see us. Turn back to that Proverbs 31 godly woman again and see how she is viewed. Read Proverbs 31:11,23,28,29,31. Why do people praise her? Many women who work hard are not similarly praised. What is the difference?
6. Jesus clearly tells us that in the Christian life we are to serve. We are to look out for others’ interests. At several points in his ministry, though, Paul stands up and loudly demands his own rights. Read Acts 16:22-40. What steps did Paul take to defend his rights? Why? What would have happened if he had not spoken up? Now Read Acts 25:6-12. What rights did Paul claim here? What is the common thread in both of these incidents?
7. Paul’s example shows us that we must take steps to keep our witness. When the gospel is at stake, Paul spoke up. How can acting in a subservient manner, and allowing people to chronically treat you with disrespect, injure the gospel?
8. Talk about the difference between serving your family and your husband and acting in a subservient way in your family. Be as practical as you can as you share ideas with one another.
For Personal Reflection:
Do you truly believe that God cherishes you and is pleased with you? Pray for a special vision for your life, and write down what God is telling you. Is there another area where God is speaking to you? Does the way you act in your family point people to Christ? Write down one or two areas where you may be inadvertently encouraging ungodly behavior.
Chapter 6
Opening Discussion Questions:
What do you think of when you hear the word "romance"? Why do you think men and women understand that word so differently?
Do you agree that romance, at heart, boils down to relationship (see pages 96 and 97). Why or why not?
Study Questions:
1. If we’re feeling unromantic towards our husbands, sometimes it’s because we’re feeding distorted ideas about romance into our heads. Read Philippians 4:8,9. What are we supposed to feed our minds with? What things do women often turn to which can send their minds off in the wrong direction? Why are these things such a temptation to women? Talk about specific examples.
2. What does Proverbs 5:18 tell us about what our attitudes towards our husbands should be? (I know it’s talking to men, but I think the inverse also applies!). Do you rejoice in your husband? How, practically, can we do this? Think about ways to rejoice in your husband when you’re by yourself, when you’re praying, when you’re with friends, and when you’re with him.
3. Men often need affirmation and praise, but women sometimes have a hard time giving it. This can build an emotional wall between you and your husband that makes it hard for him to climb over (see page 98). Read how Jesus prays for the disciples in John 17:6-8. Did the disciples always obey God, accept Jesus’ words, or know who Jesus was? Look at Matthew 14:22-26; 15:15,16; 16:5-12; 16:21-23; 17:14-21; Mark 10:13-16; Luke 8:22-25 just for a few examples (and there are many more!).
4. Jesus does not focus on individual failings as much as He does the person’s direction and his or her heart. How can we do that with our own husbands? Are there times when individual failings do need to be dealt with?
5. If your husband is rarely home, think about his experience at home from his point of view. Does he enjoy it? Read Proverbs 19:13 and 21:9. How does your husband experience being home? Do you fight? Do your children fight making home loud and disagreeable? What can you do to show your husband respect and create a welcoming home—including controlling the children? Talk together about how to do this in a godly way, without becoming a doormat!
6. What is your bedroom like? Does anybody have a particularly pathetic bedroom story? Do you have boxes still there from 12 years ago? Horrible colour on the walls? VISA statements all over the dressers? What steps can you take this week to make the bedroom a relaxing place for both of you?
For Personal Reflection:
Are you waiting for your husband to improve your relationship and bring romance, or are you taking steps to support Him now? Ask God to give you clear insight into your own attitudes. Do you have a hole in your heart because you just don’t feel valued by your husband? Write out a love letter to yourself from God, talking about how much He values you. Focus on finding your love from God, and pray that you may also feel it from your husband.
Chapter 7
Opening Discussion Questions:
When I was in university, they taught us that male and female were only social constructs. In other words, girls only acted like girls because we gave them dolls, and boys only acted like boys because we gave them cars. Reverse it, and we could create a culture where the genders are the same. What do you think of this?
Study Questions:
1. In Genesis 1:27, what does God say about both genders?
2. If both genders portray God’s image, then God is neither completely male nor completely female. We often think of God as male, but the Bible also shows Him with feminine traits. See Psalm 17:8 and Psalm 91:4. What kind of animal usually shelters others under its wings? And look at what Jesus says in Matthew 23:37. What traits does God reveal of Himself in these passages?
3. However, when He talks about His love relationship with us He often talks in a very specific way. Look at Isaiah 62:5 and 62:11, as well as Revelation 21:9,10. What gender does God call us? In this case, what gender is He? Why do you think this is?
4. In Hebrew, the word "yadah" is used in both Genesis 4:1 (often translated Adam lay with his wife Eve) and Psalm 139:23 (Search me and know my heart). In the King James Version, they say "Adam knew his wife Eve". In other words, the Bible uses the same word to describe the physical union of Adam and Eve and God intimately knowing us. Sex is to be an intimate joining, not only a physical act. Perhaps that’s why God created us differently: we yearn for intimacy with someone, a completion, perhaps, found in something that is different from ourselves. Talk about why it’s important for true intimacy for us to yearn for what is different about our husbands: to yearn for this kind of completion.
5. Let’s go back to some of your answers from Week 1. Do you remember the differences that the Shulammite and Solomon saw in each other? What, exactly, was the Shulammite attracted to? If you don’t have your answers in front of you, you can refresh your memory by looking again at Song of Solomon 1:2, 1:3, 1:13,14; 1:17; 2:3; 2:4; 2:6; 2:8,9; 4:16; 7:9b, 10. List out all the specific things.
6. Going one by one over that list, talk about specific ways in which you can encourage these traits in your husband (without nagging or whining!). How can he be the one whose banner over you his love? Under whose shade you sit? How can you picture "his left arm is under my head, and his right arm embraces me?". All of these things denote him being stronger, protecting, shadowing over you. Do you feel that way in your marriage? Discuss ways in which you can do your part to create a relationship where you do feel that way about him. What, specifically, can you do to encourage his masculinity?
7. Having a bad relationship with our parents, and especially our fathers, can impact our sexuality and our family formations for generations to come. Read 2 Samuel 3:2-5 to find out what kind of family David’s children must have had in their early years. Now, from your memory of the story of Amnon, Absalom and Tamar, what role did David play? (Read David’s reaction to the rape in 2 Samuel 13:21 for some clues, and note both how he felt and the absence of any evidence of subsequent actions). To get some more insight into David’s conduct as a father, read 1 Kings 1:6 to see how David treated another son. After this horrid episode, what happened to Tamar (2 Samuel 13:19); Amnon (2 Samuel 13:28,29); Absalom (2 Samuel 15:1-6; 2 Samuel 18:9,10); Adonijah (1 Kings 1:5); and Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-4)? Why do you think they were so confused and came to such bad ends? How do our families of origin today impact our own sexualities and identities? What are some ways we can help our husbands if they have some unresolved issues from their childhood?
8. Let’s turn to some ways in which we can feel more feminine. Read 1 Corinthians 11:15. Now, I don’t think this means that we should all have long hair! I think this was a cultural phenomenon specific to that period in Greek history. However, it’s quite clear from this verse and the one that precedes it that one of the major ways that distinguishes the sexes is our appearance, and that this, indeed, is a good thing. How can we value and care for our physical bodies in a godly way, keeping in mind the warning in Proverbs 31:30?
9. In what other ways can we nurture our femininity and become the kinds of women who are happy to have "his banner over me" be love? How does this work out practically in the home, in terms of things like paid work, household chores, and other ways in which gender identities have blurred in recent decades? If you don’t want to take a trip back to the 1800s (and indeed, you shouldn’t have to!), then how can we still feel feminine in a world where women can honestly "do anything a man can do"?
For Personal Reflection:
Which side do you err more on: being too independent or being too dependent? How can you make sure that you try to become interdependent with my husband and find that balance where you can still be comfortable when he takes leadership in some areas, without losing my sense of self? Ask God to show you areas you need to let go in order to let your husband bloom. Now ask Him to reveal one or two areas that you can change to help you feel more feminine.
Chapter 8
Opening Discussion Questions:
How does body image affect women’s libidos? Where does our body image tend to come from? How accurate are our sources for body image?
Study Questions:
1. Many of us feel tremendous guilt because our bodies don’t live up to some ideal. Let’s do a priorities reality check. Read Philippians 3:7-16. What does Paul consider the most important part of life? What are his goals in life, as found in verses 10 and 11? What is his perspective towards achieving these goals in verses 12 and 13? How can this relate to your own struggles with weight, body image, and relying on God in these areas? For help, read what Paul also wrote to Timothy in 1 Timothy 4:7,8.
2. If you’re feeling down about your body, let’s examine some key verses about it. Read these passages and talk about what they tell you about your body: Genesis 1:31; Genesis 2:25; Psalm 139:15,16; Isaiah 29:16.
3. Do you feel that your body is a source of shame, rather than joy? Take a look at the story of Mephibosheth, Jonathan’s son and King Saul’s grandson, found in 2 Samuel 9:1-13. What can you tell about Mephibosheth’s self-worth from these verses? Why do you think he felt so badly? And yet what was David’s reaction? David gave him honor because Mephibosheth was the son of a prince, despite his physical abilities, or lack thereof. Can you see any analogies to your own life?
4. What makes a woman beautiful? Read Proverbs 31:30, and 1 Peter 3:3,4. Do you believe this in your heart, or, at some level, do you still see this as a cop out? Why do you think, in our culture, we have difficulty valuing inner beauty? Can inner beauty be sexy?
5. Here’s a fun one: remember Proverbs 5:19? Whose responsibility is it that the husband find physical pleasure in the wife? Does it say that she must "keep herself sexy"? Or does it say something else?
6. While we don’t want negative preoccupations with our bodies to sap our libido, we still do experience physical pleasure through our bodies. To put it mildly, they are indispensable to the act. So what is the proper way to view them? Turn to 1 Corinthians 6:18-20. These verses come at the tail end of a warning about fleeing sexual immorality. What are some of the ways that our attitudes towards our bodies, and what they should be, could border on sexual immorality? What are some ways that we can live out "honor God with your body" in a healthy sexual relationship?
For Personal Reflection:
Can you imagine God enjoying the fact that you enjoy sex? Do you truly believe that He created your body for your pleasure, and for your husband’s pleasure? Why not ask God to help you see your body through His eyes. Take a few moments and write out specific prayers about sex. Write out your body image and physical barriers to enjoying sex, and ask God to deal with these with you.
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