You love your kids. They're the most important people in the
world to you. So it's no wonder it breaks your heart when they
snipe at each other, or worse. 

Research shows, though, that kids often live up to our expec-
tations. I read that when my children were little, and decided
that I was going to expect them to get along. From the time they
were toddlers, I always told them, "your sister is your best 
friend, and she always will be." It was always assumed they 
would play together.

That doesn't mean they don't fight. But it makes it easier to 
solve the problem when you're able to remind them that they 
love each other (and sometimes it does take reminding!). Those
days when kids are at each other's throats can make us want
to throttle someone, too.

Here are some tips to minimize these problems:

1. If they fight over it, confiscate it.

When children are young, have a firm rule that fighting over
something means they both lose it for a time. Soon they'll 
learn the benefits of sharing!

2. Do not tolerate insults 

Make a firm house rule that no one can call each other names,
call each other "stupid" or "dumb", or insult anyone. Make this
worse than swear words, because insults cut to the heart.

If a child breaks this rule, have a quick punishment that they
must go sit by themselves somewhere (often a room is not the 
best idea, since this is where all their toys are. Try your
room instead). 

3. Separate kids when they fight

Sometimes what kids hate the most is being alone. If they fight,
make one go in one direction and the other in the other. Chances
are they won't like this for very long.

If, on the other hand, your children are in two different
developmental stages, sometimes having time apart is necessary.
The youngest one may not understand this as well, but if you 
give the older child some space, chances are they will be
more inclined to play with younger siblings later. When the older
child has time alone to read, or play on the computer, or whatever
he or she wants to do, choose that time to pull out the special
toys for the younger ones. Reserve these toys only for when
the younger one has to play alone.

4. Build family memories

The more the family does things together, the less the children
will fight. They will enjoy being together.

So pull out the board games and play altogether. Do a puzzle,
go for a bike ride, go kick a soccer ball around. Instead of
separating to watch TV in different rooms, try to spend 
evenings together. When being together is natural and fun, 
children won't fight nearly as much at other times.

5. Use Humor

No matter what you do, though, kids inevitably will bicker.
When they do, don't come down hard everytime. Often making
a little joke is enough to defuse the mood and get the kids
going in a different direction.

Remember, you'd rather laugh than be lectured to, too. So 
make humor your first response, and save the rest for 
later.

From the April 2004 edition of To Love, Honor and Vacuum newsletter. Click here to subscribe.

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