You don't need a license to be a parent. Anybody can do it,

which many of us feel is rather unfortunate, when we look around

the school or the playgroup at some of our kids' cohorts.

But most of us don't want to just be parents; we want to parent

our kids. That's not something we are; it's something we do.

1. Unconditional Love

Love makes the world go round. Love is all you need. There are

so many trite things said about love that it's easy to forget

how very important it is.

But love isn't just a feeling. It, too, is something that you

do. You love when you read a story to your child, even when

you're tired. You love when you tie their shoes for the three

hundredth time, even though every developmental scale you've

read said they should be able to do it by now. You love

when you reach for your baby at 3 in the morning, though

you pray that she would learn to sleep through the night

and give you a bit of peace (we'll talk about how soon!).

In other words, we love when we prioritize our kids rather

than ourselves. And though we all know that's important, it's

not something that is often done in society. Surveys show that

most kids spend less than 30 minutes a day in any kind of

meaningful conversation with their parents once they hit

school. Even younger kids get short shifted.

To love means showing our kids they're important. I once

read that kids spell love T-I-M-E, and I'm inclined to

believe that's true. Time is the most precious commodity in

our society, not money. If we're going to love our kids,

we need to prioritize time with them.

It's like a bank account. If we want the right to tell our

kids how to behave and have them listen to us, we need to

put enough "deposits" in so that when those withdrawals

come, they'll still listen to us. We need to earn the right

to be heard. Kids are really perceptive, and they know what's

really important to us. Let's make it easy for them to see

that what's important is them!

2. Consequence Based Discipline

I know many parents who think they're really harsh. They

spend their days reprimanding their kids, yelling at them

because their room isn't clean, because they haven't put

away their school bag, because they won't share with their

little brother or sister.

But yelling is not discipline. And does it really work? More

often than not it doesn't, and it just makes the kids really

ticked off at you.

Many times I've wandered down to my basement to put on

some laundry, only to find the place a disaster area, as my

children have emptied out their dress up clothes and boxes

of toys in an endless search for some elusive item.

What's my response? Unfortunately, too often it's to yell.

"What are you doing? Do you expect me to clean this up? I

spend my life cleaning up after you!". The kids cower and

make some half-hearted attempt to clean up, while I feel

completely guilty.

And what happens when I venture downstairs again to put the

clothes in the dryer? I find the disaster's still there. The

kids have learned that yelling doesn't really matter. They

just have to endure it.

If you want them to actually change their behaviour, you

have to give them a reason. I used garbage bags. I told them

calmly that the next time I found toys all over the basement,

I would take a garbage bag and give twenty away. They

cleaned up pretty quickly.

Discipline your kids with consequences, and they'll learn to

behave. If they leave their bike outside and it gets rusty,

they have to buy a new one. If they fight over a toy, it's

confiscated. If they won't eat dinner, they go hungry. You

don't need to yell, your blood pressure stays low, but the

kids learn you mean business.

3. Consistency

Which brings us to the next point: follow through with what

you say. If you threaten to confiscate a toy and then you

don't, your kids won't believe you mean it. They'll keep

disobeying you, because they've learned you won't follow

through.

Once you get into this habit, it's very hard to break. So

don't threaten anything you can't follow through on. If your

child has been invited to a birthday party, and you threaten

not to let them go unless they clean their room, but really

you have no intention of making them stay home, you're

asking for trouble.

Save the consequences for things you can follow through on,

and your kids will learn that you mean what you say.

4. Do What I Do

It's awfully hard to get kids to act appropriately when we

model the exact opposite. What if you're trying to get your

two children to share and get along, but they hear you on

the phone bad mouthing a friend? What if you fight with

your spouse after telling your children they're not

allowed to fight with each other?

Try resolving legitimate conflicts in ways that you want

your own children to resolve their conflicts. Treat others

the way you hope your children will learn to treat their

friends. If you complain, gossip, and swear, chances are

your children will learn to complain, gossip and swear, too,

even if you tell them they shouldn't. They will do what

you do, not just what you say.

5. Positive Reinforcement

We usually think of discipline as a negative thing,

something that we need to do when kids are acting up.

But the best thing we can do is to think of discipline as

something we use to train the whole child, so it's just

as appropriate to praise them when they're going in the

right direction as to steer them away from wrong.

Many kids act up to get attention. If you give them

no attention when they're being obedient, but yell at

them when they act up, they're likely to act up, because

enduring yelling is better than enduring silence.

On the other hand, if you're trying to teach your two

kids not to squabble, when they do go through an hour--

or 15 minutes, or even five minutes--of peace, tell them

how proud you are of them. Reward them with a story or

a snuggle. Take time to tell kids when you're proud of

them, and they won't bother to try to pull your strings

at other times!

Parenting is a tough job. It requires more energy

than any other, and it's full of quagmires. But if we

can take the time to show our kids we love and value

them, while teaching them to listen to what we say, we'll

find less and less need to discipline them as they grow

older. They'll learn to do it themselves. So put in the

hard work when they're young, and the rest of parenthood

will be so much easier!

It's a hard job, but I don't know any other one with

so great a reward.

From the February 2003 edition of To Love, Honor and Vacuum newsletter. Click here to subscribe.

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