By Sheila Wray Gregoire, July 22, 2003

Summer vacation may bring to mind beaches, camping and sun, but to me, it often brings back memories of something far more horrible: child custody arrangements. As a kid, the only time I would see my father was for a few weeks every summer.

So I’ve been mulling over custody lately, and I’ve come to some conclusions. I think joint custody should be automatic in all divorce settlements, except where it can be shown that this is not in the best interests of the child. Children need both parents, and it’s awfully hard to be a parent just on the weekends.

Can parenting really be condensed into only a few days every month? It needs to happen regularly, to build up trust, so that kids can share, learn, and listen to your discipline and your advice. When kids are separated from a parent, they begin to lead completely different lives, so that when they join together, they often have little in common. In too many families, these visits have to become "events", because sitting around at home feels awkward. The child has essentially lost one parent, and in many cases of sole custody, the child loses out on grandparents, aunts and uncles and cousins, too.

That being said, I also don’t think joint custody is easily workable. When people divorce, they obviously have problems with one another. To expect those to automatically disappear and to focus on the children may be ideal, but it isn’t simple. "But Dad doesn’t make me do chores!", "But Mom says I don’t have to keep taking piano if I don’t want to!", "Dad lets me stay up until 9:30." The struggles are endless.

In fact, I’m grateful my mother had sole custody. I wasn’t confused by constantly shuffling back and forth. When I did have to see my dad, then all the feelings of rejection came flooding back, but on a day-to-day basis I could ignore them.

The reason this was better for me, though, is not that joint custody itself is bad. It’s because what kids need is not custody arrangements that work, but parents who both want to parent. There is nothing worse for a child than to be stood up by a parent. It’s dad’s weekend, but he can’t come because he’s too busy. Mom has me every Wednesday, but it’s too much of a strain on her schedule to break up her week. Trying to explain why daddy isn’t coming again, or why mommy had to work again, is heartbreaking for the parent left behind, too. In such cases, I think it’s far better to give up the pretext of "joint custody" or even "frequent visitation". It’s better to be like my father, seeing children only sporadically, so that the relationship doesn’t hurt on such a regular basis.

Frankly, if you don’t want to see your kids, then you don’t deserve to parent. Your children should come first. If they don’t, you’ve failed at the most important task in your life. You should either make the decision to change and to love your children, or you should let them get on with their lives.

So to recap, sole custody is bad, and so, often, is joint custody. What’s the solution? I really don’t think there’s an easy one. The only thing that will keep us from heartache is to be smart at the start: only marry someone you can picture staying with your whole life, don’t have children with jerks, and, except in cases of abuse, addiction or affairs, stay married.

If your marriage has already broken up, and you’re struggling with custody, I know it’s hard, and please know I don’t intend to lay a guilt trip. There’s a lot of single parents out there doing a wonderful job, and I applaud them! Just keep focusing on what your kids need, and don’t get bogged down by all the "what ifs" of how your life could have turned out. But for everyone else, remember: splitting up will not necessarily make your life better, and it will often make your children’s lives worse. It’s easier to work your problems through. So please try. Kids would be a lot better off without the rejection that divorces often bring.

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